How do you respond when someone asks you to do something that you don’t want to do?
Will you say yes just to keep the peace? Being a people-pleaser can put you in a very tough spot. In most situations it is difficult for a people-pleaser to say no and often this leads to being taken advantage of or taken for granted. If you feel as though your relationships are one sided or off balance then you may need help being assertive. Effective assertiveness is a powerful tool that can be used to raise confidence, improve relationships, and help you get what you want out of life. Here’s some ways to activate your own personal power in a kind, but assertive way…
Taking Power in Your Voice: There is a thin line between being assertive and aggressive. You also want to make sure you don’t come off as being a whiner. If you are not used to saying no then it will take some time and practice. You will feel as though the “no” is stuck in your throat like a tickle from hay fever, but it is time to cough it up. To help, you will need to do a little pre-planning. Go over the situation in your head and decide before you are asked what you will say. When we are caught off guard it is likely that you will respond like you always do or become frustrated and overreact. This will lead to both parties being frustrated and possibly a major setback for you.
Be Direct: The basic skill of being assertive is being direct. If your answer is inundated with “umms” , “well”, and “maybe” you have opened the door for them to push you in the direction they want. You can practice with people you don’t know. Go to a department store and when approached by the pushy salesperson or perfume lady have a response ready to go. Assertive statements are simple, to the point, and give a clear message without being rude. Saying, “No thank you,” or “I appreciate your time but I’m just browsing,” are two examples. Work your way up to acquaintances who regularly ask you for favors and start saying no. You can say that you are not available or you have other plans. Make it sweet and simple.
Assertiveness shows confidence and will elicit respect from those around you. People can sniff a people-pleaser out of a crowd and will use you up until there is nothing left, leading to more stress for you. The advice I often give is to think of yourself as a glass and your needs is the water that fills it up. When your needs are met at a surplus, and your cup runneth over, only then should you give yourself away. When you are not filled up yourself, the drain of doing for others constantly will dry out anything you have for your own needs and happiness.
Self care is a big part of being happy and staving off burn out. So say yes, and no, on your terms so when you decide to help others you can do so without resentment.
Written by Alicia Brunson, MA, LPCA
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